


We don't talk about that

by WhisperInTheDarkness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 18:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13576098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperInTheDarkness/pseuds/WhisperInTheDarkness
Summary: Valentine’s Day had become something of a nightmare for the department of Magical Law Enforcement.





	We don't talk about that

**Author's Note:**

> This is absolute nonsense. You've been warned. Also for people waiting for me to update my Sterek fic, worry not! The next few chapters are in production.
> 
> (Also let me know if you've figured out who the culprit is)

Valentine’s Day had become something of a nightmare for the department of Magical Law Enforcement. 

For the past six years someone made it their mission to spread ‘Valentine cheer’, usually in the form of mortifying magical pranks, which involved, on the rare occasion, violent projectile vomiting (Merlin, year two had just been awful).

No one knew who was responsible for the shenanigans but Auror McGrath delighted in pointing out that the pranks had begun the year Harry’s lot had been instated. Unfortunately for Harry, Ron and the other fools who decided that becoming Auror that particular year was just a brilliant idea, inter-departmental hostility (usually directed at them) always spiked around Valentine’s Day. 

They had a week left until the dreaded holiday and Harry could practically feel the tension and anger swirling around the department like a great black Chinese dragon. The witch hunt for the culprit was already in full swing (It had to be a bird Harry, who else would think up this bollocks?). 

“It’s obviously Finnegan. He always looks so shifty around this time year.” Beatrice, Auror Samuel’s secretary, said to Harry. 

Harry was inclined to agree, however he thought Seamus always looked a little shifty, vomiting-inducing-holiday-of-love aside. And besides he’d been the one temporarily incapacitated by last year’s dancing bear incident.

“Well it does no matter Auror Robards will catch the little troublemaker this year.” She declared assuredly. Which is something she always said, despite the fact that the ‘little trouble maker’ had evaded Robard’s careful snooping and then righteous anger for six consecutive years.

“I’m sure he will Betty. Can you get these reports to Janice when she gets back from the Department of Defense?”

“Sure thing Harry.”

Harry tried to ignore the annual uproar as much as he physically could , which was no small feat mind you , year three had involved singing cherubs for merlin’s sake. Ron decided to take another approach altogether, which involved excessive amounts of mischievous glee and annoying the hell out of everyone in a five mile radius. He was the one who, for some ridiculous reason usually assisted Robards in his search for the culprit.

“You’ve been remarkably unscathed by all of this Harry.” Ron remarked, narrowing his eyes like a winy distrustful girlfriend. They were going over a case involving murder. Murder! They did not have time for this.

“Your point Ron?” He said collapsing against the back of his chair.

“All I’m saying is that if I wanted to prank the department, I’d use my hero status to throw everyone off my scent.”

“You think I defeated Voldemort to spike ministry-grade coffee and transfigure fluffy dancing bears?” 

“Well did you?”

“So help me Ron, I will tell Hermione about the stash of firewhiskey under the floorboards.”

“Threats Harry? Oh that won’t do at all.” Ron tutted and scribbled Harry’s name bellow Neville’s on the suspect list he would eventually show to Robards.

Everyone had thought it was Malfoy at first (including himself if he was being honest), who else had cause to humiliate their department like this? Even though he had received some of the best scores during Auror training, he was still regarded with extreme distrust. After a thorough investigation into the matter, Malfoy was finally cleared of all suspicion but that didn’t stop anyone from giving him the stink-eye every February.

Malfoy wasn’t all bad, he was still a smarmy git but he was a decent Auror and Harry always made sure to treat him with as much respect as he could muster during their encounters. He wasn’t always successful but he chalked that up to Malfoy’s winning personality rather than Harry’s inability to let go of the past.

It just so happened that Malfoy was standing next to Ron when he showed Robard’s the list later that day. Harry could pinpoint the moment he saw Harry’s name on it. He raised an immaculate eyebrow and proceeded to send Harry the most self-satisfied grin he could physically manage.

Gods Malfoy was such a twat.

Harry refused to speak to Ron the entire day which made things a little awkward at their weekly lunch date with Hermione, considering she was ignoring him too.  
“Do you have any plans for Valentine’s day Harry? A special lady friend perhaps?” Hermione asked gently, moving the ice in her drink around with a straw.

“You know I hate Valentine’s Day ‘moine.”

“Oh well there’s no reason for you to make a misery out of it. It’s not like your husband ignores you in favor of chasing around a prankster every year.”

“I said I was sorry.” Ron whined beside them

“That’s strange. Did you hear something Harry?”

**  
There were three days left before judgement day and the whole department had gone barmy. Cho had nearly hexed Ron after he suggested that she may have been using the pranks to distract from her pathetic love life. Mrs. Plumbill was glaring everyone who deigned to come anywhere near the evidence room and Robards had almost fired him. Twice.

Malfoy was happily reminding people that he’d been instated two years after Harry and couldn’t possibly be responsible for anything. And didn’t Harry Potter look especially devious this morning? Harry wanted to hex the lot of them, but he liked his job and besides. He was staying out of it. He was staying out of it.

“Neville what one earth are you doing at Ron’s desk?” Harry questioned as he walked into his office.

“Setting it on fire maybe? I haven’t quite decided.” Neville answered, wand idly twirling in front of him.

“Oh good then. Just shout if you need a hand.”

Neville didn’t end up setting Ron’s desk on fire, good thing too, the smoke would have been incredibly bothersome but all Ron’s writing equipment did miraculously vanish though. Naturally Harry refused to lend him any of his.

Truth be told, even though he was trying to stay as calm as possible, he couldn’t deny the churning feeling in his stomach every time he stepped out the office. What would it be this year? Ravenous pink wolves, flying chocolate and flowers, more singing? Ugh. And on top of this Hermione was still trying to set him up on dates. He hated carefully turning away every pretty witch she sent his way but he really wasn’t interested in that sort of thing right now. And besides, he was pretty sure Valentine’s Day was ruined for him forever.  
Harry was in an extremely bad mood when he returned to the ministry, Hermione had been oddly insistent about the dates this time. 

“You’re looking awfully pleased with yourself Malfoy.” He said to the git while they were in the lift together. If Harry was unhappy he so no reason why Malfoy shouldn’t be either.

“Of course I am, I think Robards case against you is growing quite nicely. Something about recent purchases from the Weasley’s store?”

“You’re a right git you know that?

“Oh I know Potter.” He said, winking at Harry and prancing out of the lift like the ponce he was.

Of course he wasn’t quite so smirky when Robards called them both into his office at the end of the day.

“Someone said they saw the two of you conspiring in the lifts this morning.” Robards said glaring at the two of them.

“I don’t think I have to remind you two what will happen if I find out that you’ve been behind this.”

“Gruesome decapitation sir?” Malfoy enquired in that monotone drawl of his.

“Oh you’d be so lucky. Now out of my office! I expect a full report on both of your cases by tomorrow.”

Bugger. Buggering-fuck. He was going to have to stay late to finish the bloody thing now. If Malfoy’s face was any indication, he was in a similar position.

“Coffee?” Malfoy asked as they left the office.

“What?”

“Being accused of conspiracy despite blatant evidence of the contrary always leaves me rather parched. So would you like some Coffee? I’m heading out to get some now and know for a fact that you haven’t finished your report yet.”

Malfoy was being suspiciously nice. Why was Malfoy being suspiciously nice?

“Yes or no Potter? You’re not getting any prettier to look at.

“Uh Yes?”

“Right then I’ll be back shortly.”

They spent the night working on their respective reports in the break-room, it’s quite honestly one of the most bizarre and awkward experiences of Harry’s life.

**  
Robards had failed yet again, of course he had. Valentine’s Day was the following day and no one was any closer to apprehending the culprit. That didn’t stop people from speculating though or making more wild and ridiculous accusations. This year everyone assumed it was him and Harry wanted to kill Ron.

“I’m sorry mate. I didn’t think they actually take me seriously.”

“How long have you worked here for exactly?”

“Just tell them it wasn’t you.”

“Just tell them- Ron Beatrice chucked a mug at me!”

“Look just maybe takes the day off tomorrow yeah? Wait until this blows over.”

“No that’ll just make them think I’m guilty and then Robards will actually fire me.”

“I love you?”

“Oh shut up Ron.”

What Harry wanted to know was how Malfoy had managed to escape the suspicion. Last he had heard Malfoy and he were conspiring together but no one seemed to be glaring at him anymore than usual or chucking mugs at him!

When he ran into Neville in the atrium and asks him to shed some light on the matter, the man simply smiled apologetically and informed him that he couldn’t be seen with him for a while (I like my job Harry)

This was somehow Malfoy’s fault, well- it was actually more Ron’s fault but that didn’t seem like pertinent information at this moment. He had spotted Malfoy by the lifts after Neville run away for him and quickly dashed over to confront the man.

“I can’t be seen associating with criminals Potter.” He greeted.

“I’m not a criminal!”

“Yes well I think that’s for the judge to decide don’t you? Oh and you might want to calm down, you’re turning a rather distressful shade of green”

“You had something to do with this.”

“Don’t be silly-.” Malfoy said waving his hand dismissively and stepping into the now open lift.

“-Of course I did.”

Then the doors dinged shut and Harry wondered how long they would but him away for premeditated murder.  
**  
To put it lightly, the morning of February the 14th was utter shite. Everyone kept glaring at him like they were expecting him to do something. Someone even asked what the prank for the day was. He told them he didn’t know because he wasn’t the bloody culprit.

By noon he was starting to suspect that the prankster had decided to call it quits this year, everyone else was of the opinion that Harry has chickened out because they were all on to him now. They were all idiots and Harry hated everything.

Around two or so little red name started appearing over people’s heads.

“What does mine say?” Ron inquired, calmly chewing on a chocolate frog that he had nicked out of Harry’s desk.

“Hermione Granger.”

“Why don’t you have one?”

“I don’t know! But it doesn’t mean anything. Both Sarah and Cho don’t have any either!”

“Slow down there grumpy. I didn’t say it did.”

Later someone figured out that the names hanging over everyone’s head belonged to the people they loved, or at least had crushes on. Needless to say, things turned very awkward, very quickly. Some people were delighted of course, as it was finally confirmed that the object of their affections harbored secret romantic feelings for them as well. Others- well they were furiously trying to bribe their co-workers so they wouldn’t inform their spouses.

“Neville has a thing for Hannah.” Ron announced after the curiosity had gotten too much for him and he had gone to find out who exactly everyone wanted to shag. Well the Hannah thing wasn’t much of a surprise; Harry’s eyes worked well enough thank you very much.

“No one’s seen Malfoy.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want everyone to know who he fancies.”

“Well of course not. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to know.”

“Afraid he doesn’t love you?”

Ron pulled a face and said

“I think the flashing red name currently suspended over my head would suggest otherwise”

Harry laughed.

“How long do you think it’ll be there for?”

“I don’t know the rest of the day? I’m going to go and show this to Hermione. Maybe she’ll start talking to me again.”

A few minutes later he came bounding back in the room with a maniacal grin on his face.

“He hasn’t left the building yet!” Ron exclaimed 

“Who?”

“Malfoy! Neville saw him trying to sneak out of the loo a few minutes ago. Come on grab your wallet, we can go out for sugary drinks to celebrate after.”  
“You’re way too invested in this.” Harry said sighing but following Ron nonetheless. 

So they would find Malfoy, find out who he liked and then mercifully tease him about it until he cried. Harry was feeling better already.

AS soon as they left the Auror offices, they began to sprint towards the exit. So what if they were twenty-five? This was a totally justifiable course of action. It wasn’t even that odd to see Auror’s sprinting through the ministry anyway.

They spotted Malfoy hurriedly trying to make his way out of the building. Perhaps he hoped that no one in the atrium would notice the red name, rather silly of him.

“Faster Harry!”

He already could see the read name lazily bobbing above Malfoy’s head. Victory was imminent. The name was becoming clearer and the clearer the closer they got. When the name was finally discernible Harry and Ron immediately stopped.

“Well then” Ron said dumbfounded.

Malfoy who had heard their approach was standing stock still in the middle of the atrium with a horrified expression on his face.

“Ummm.”

Harry intellgently supplied  
**  
“Maybe he likes another Harry Potter?” Harry slurred, face pressed into Ron and Hermione’s seat cushions a few days after the incident.

“Highly unlikely Harry. “ Hermione slurred back.

They were both incredibly sloshed. Harry was a little surprised at Hermione honestly; she usually made it her business never to get too inebriated. Baring Weasley Christmases though, no one ever escaped those fully sober.

“But what does he like about me? I don’t get it; he’s been so mean to me.”

“You’ve been –too. Mean.”

“Yeah, Yeah I have.”

“He’s very pretty though.”

Harry refused to comment on that, absolutely refused. He was afraid of what he may say and Hermione had an incredibly good memory, even hungover.

“Did you have to drink all of it?” Ron moaned from across the room, dejectedly staring at his now depleted stash of firewhiskey.

“Oh shut up Ron.” They replied in unison.  
**  
Malfoy was indeed very pretty. Objectively speaking of course. He knew as much from the way the woman in the office looked at him. An unsettling mixture of deep resentment and lust. 

Harry has never thought that Malfoy might be homosexual; well he doesn’t make a habit of contemplating other people’s sexuality in general. He felt vaguely uncomfortable about the entire thing. Not because of the homosexual element of everything, no he’s not that much of an arse, but because of the Malfoy element of it. Malfoy hated him, or at least Harry really thought he did. Awkward thank-you after Malfoy’s trail included. It just really did not make any sense.

Malfoy had been making a rather stellar effort at avoiding him; it was quite impressive actually considering they worked in the same department. If he had consult Harry on a case he sent his partner Hamilton. If there was some sort of meeting, Malfoy always ended up on the other side of the room, even if Harry had arrived last. Harry left him to it, he had no desire to confront Malfoy about his inexplicable feelings, and in fact he would rather save them both the inevitable embarrassment.

It had been a month since the Valentines incident and everyone was starting to calm down a bit, well as calm as people can be when they regularly dodged dark spells and chased after serial disembowlers. The culprit had still not been located of course, they never were. Some people still thought Harry had done it but there was no evidence to suggest as such so they just let it go for next year’s round of suspicion.

Harry was happily strolling down one of the corridors in the building, eager for a cup of coffee and maybe some lunch. Ron and Hermione had ditched him for whatever reason but not even that had managed to put him in a bad mood.

Very suddenly he was pushed against a wall by someone. Harry’s Auror well-honed auror instincts meant that he already had a wand jabbed into the assailant’s side, ready to fire off a hex at even the slightest provocation. But then he noticed the white-blond hair, though the sight brought him no comfort of course. If anyone, Malfoy definitely had a cause to murder him and stash his body where no man would ever find him again.

“What do you want Malfoy.” He managed to grit out, Malfoy’s body was constricting his airflow, and it was so tightly pressed up against him.

“Why haven’t you told anyone?” He demanded, pressing closer, how was that even possible?

“You’re crushing me”

Malfoy looked down at Harry’s reddening face as if noticing it for the first time and quickly retreated.

“If you’re going to use this to blackmail me Potter I’d rather you get it over with.”

Malfoy said, face cold and impassive.

“I’m not going to say anything alright? And neither is Ron, I made him promise not to.”

“And you expect me to just take your word for it does you?”

“Yes, there’s not really an alternative.” Harry replied rubbing the back of his head painfully. Did Malfoy have to be so forceful?

“I don’t know. My obliviate has come along rather nicely since Hogwarts.”

“Put your wand anywhere near me and I’ll hurt you.” Harry warned

Malfoy looked away and blushed for some reason. Harry was oddly intrigued by the sight, it suddenly occurred to him how much power he had over the man, and he could really hurt him if he wanted. Malfoy was obviously aware of this, hence the current confrontation. It was a rather brave thing to do actually; if the roles had been reversed he would not have dared to approach Malfoy.

“Why do you like me?” Harry asked suddenly, honestly wanting to hear the answer.

“We haven’t really interacted much since our school days and when we do we mostly argue. Why would you like me?”

Malfoy looks down at the floor for a moment, as if the carpeting contained all the secrets to the universe. The blushing only got worse, the tips of his ears were even stained a red-pinkish color.

“You’re eyes.” He mumbled 

“My eyes. What about my eyes?” 

“Oh sod this.” Malfoy declared then stomped off in the direction of the offices.

Blimey.

**


End file.
